Crash and Burn Diet

So yeah, we all know crash diets are bad for you blah blah blah, but after some lengthy research, I've decided I am enough of an expert to declare: They are all shams (I know!  Breaking news, right?).  And not shams like they don't work, but shams in that they don't do ANYTHING more than what healthy diets do - cut calories.  It's a load of malarkey.  I was looking for a dangerous fad diet that would be more effective than starving myself by somehow creating a chemical reaction in my body that would bend space and time, causing the fat to be burned at a rate greater than the traditional net loss of 3500 calories = 1 lb weight loss.  It's just not out there - the math is fixed.  As someone who has spent the past three years in law school mastering the art of "it depends," this is very upsetting.

What, tell me, WHAT is the point of eating lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup in water if it does NOTHING more than eating the same amount of calories but in the form of raw leafy greens?  Why on earth would you trade boring yet nutritious veggies for disgusting napalm drink if it results in the same exact weight loss?  UGH.

I guess what it comes down to is that we all know how it's supposed to work, but we look to the fad or crash diet because a small, irrational part of us wants to believe that the magic is out there.  It's the same part of my brain that hopes I'm a muggle-born and my acceptance letter to the real-life Hogwarts just got lost in the mail.  I'm sure that owl with the message clearing up the mistake is on his way as we speak.

I've decided that a "healthy" crash diet is in order.  I'm going to try to take in the least amount of calories as possible, but the ones I do eat will be healthy.  Raw veggies, turkey breast, no salt, no sugar, no booze - that drill.  And of course workouts (blech ...).  The book of shame food diary has been moved temporarily to the kitchen whiteboard to up the in-sight in-mind factor, and the fridge has been emptied of all enjoyable, fatty food (how I'll miss you so!).

Also, the timing of this is hilarious - of course I would start a diet where I will undoubtedly become cranky, headache-y, and plain old irritable right when I'm at my best: when I'm PMSing.  It's actually great timing, truth be told.  Why not pile diet bitchiness on top of monthly bitchiness for one week instead of two weeks of Bon Qui Qui back to back?  I'd like to say I'll stick with this longer than a week, but I know myself better than that.  I'm aiming for the one week jump start and then a happy medium afterward.  I can dream, can't I?  It's day one all over again, and we'll see how it goes from here ...